I’m all out to sea today. At least there is a boat out here. A small fisherman’s boat it looks like. There’s no one in it and the motor is up. I wonder if it has fuel, or have the owners gone to get some? I wonder if I blew it, would it move? It’s probably anchored though, right? Unlike me. My anchor seems to be somewhere up way above those clouds. I wonder how that happened. How that happens. Is it even possible? I thought an anchor had to be somewhere below you or something. I am not a boat though, am I?
The last few days here in this island pardise they call Barbados have been pretty “awesome”. I borrow that word from a friend, but I don’t think I mean it as he uses it. I mean the last few days have been not really pretty, despite all the beauty around me, but they haven’t been ugly either. I guess I mean the ugly feelings generated at me by ugly people (you know what I’m takling about Matey) don’t seem to matter now, and still I feel, well, I’m not really sure. How do I feel? I mean I’m fairly content. I’m even not too bad healthwise give or take a pain or two. I guess I want, I don’t know. I don’t really want anything really, just, just….
It is funny, not funny silly but funny strange. Weird.
This island is something else. I think I should write island with a capital I. All this wondrous beauty and cool refreshing water, and rather interesting landscapes and thing, and, I don’t know, I feel in the grip of something. Nothing bad really, at least I don’t think it is bad. I’ve had bad before and this isn’t like ‘bad’. It is just strange. Weird. I feel I am waiting for something. I don’t know what it is actually I am waiting for. Maybe I do and don’t want it to be a conscious knowledge, you know? I feel gripped. As if this Island has me in its throes and won’t let me go. I came out here to offload my shit on her, and she hooked me. But still wont tell me what to do. Or perhaps I already know – and am scared. Not scared frightened but scared…
I’m all out to sea friend. I still don’t have the answers. At least I don’t think I do.
What I do know, and this is true, this Island Barbados, this sea sky sun and sand is like some wonderful Mistress who has me in her thrall. And I’m all out to sea. You see, it doesn’t really matter if I love her or whether she is the most beautiful or not, I mean, realistically, I’ve seen prettier more polished slick gleaming gems than she, yet…there is something…. she has me, she owns me.
I’m all out to sea Matey, but at least there is a boat.
I wonder if it has fuel…?